We jokes

Man, we all have the one cool sibling, then the strong sibling, and then you, the one who plays on their iPad or computer all day. Then, when you are on vacation, you are doing nothing at all.

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?

We are both lawyers.

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

I kicked a soccer ball into a kid in a wheelchair, so we are playing Rocket League.

We should stop the orphan jokes. The parents will get mad.

Why can't we see or sense kamikazes' bombs?

They're out of plane sight.

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"

I could never date a midget.

We would never see eye to eye.

We have a teacher in school. His name is Haybrock, but he is gay, so we call him Gaybrock.

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

Hey guys, so we have a friend group and we need followers and people! So far it's me and Royal. If you want to join just comment why and you're in unless people have reasons to not want you!

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

Good day today, love you. Walk in love day and a walk home night. Night, night. I did not get snow. I love it is the day that we get a tree. I have to go get some sleep. Was good day at school today, but I’m going to be...

We can nip March Madness in the bud, but only if we detect the warning signs of brooding, anti-social February Fever.

Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.

In our history class we were on our China unit and learning a little about gunpowder.

And I said "WOAH THAT'S LIT!"

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?

Like we get it, bro, she’s underage.

"Our teen has decreed we are the 'Worst Parents Ever.' We will hold our coronation ceremony to accept this honor next Friday. Invitations to follow."

As an American, I like cars. And like all car enthusiasts, even just a little scratch can ruin a brand new car.

So why is it that we go to different countries like India and see that almost every car is completely totaled? I guess we have different meanings of "it's just a scratch."