So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
What starts with M and ends with arriage?
Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?
Neither does the child.
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.
Guys, it isn what we thou-
Father: "Son, you were adopted."
Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."
A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
My friends: Ugh, why are you so lazy and no fun?
My parents: Why can't you be like your siblings?
My teacher: I don't care if you're depressed, focus on your study!
The songs: We understand you :)
What song do orphans hate the most? "We are family."
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense. Baby, we didnāt spend all that time in the closet for nothing.
Titanic was sinking.
Passenger: "How far are we from land?"
Captain: "Two miles."
Passenger: "Which direction?"
Captain: "Down."
Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked into the classroom.
The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"
One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters
'PNEIS'
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors.
What were the terrorist of 9/11 thinking?
We canāt go over it, we canāt go under it, we'll have to go through it.
One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."
Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?
Child: *drinking milk*
Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?
Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.
Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.
Child: *realizes*
Screw sister from a mister or brother from another mother. We besties from another testie.
The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" š
