Twice jokes
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Why did the roster cross the road twice?
To prove it was not a chicken.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Yo mama so fat, Thanos had to snap twice.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
I had amnesia once... maybe twice.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.
How is the world like dirt?
Because we don't think twice about it.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
What happens once every minute, twice every millennium, but never in a hundred years? The letter M.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you haven't told her twice.
It was so windy I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice!
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
You can easily outrun a midget because they have to run twice as much as you do.
What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?
"Deja moo!"
Yo mama so fat, you must refuel twice to run over her with a car.