Worst Jokes Ever
Why do nuns go around in pairs?
So one nun makes sure the other nun doesn't get none!
This kid was going to sleep and he said, "Night, Mum. Night, Dad. And night, Grandma, and bye, Grandpa." The next morning, Grandpa died, and the next night he said, "Night, Dad. Night, Mum. Night, Grandma." Grandma died the next morning. The next night he said, "Night, Mum, bye, Dad," and they heard the postman died because he was the dad, lol.
I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.
Good morning, madam. I am from the local council. Can you please tell me if you have a dog license for that poodle you have on your head?
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird!
Yo mama so fat and old, she lifted her boob to wash under it, and a pilgrim fell from under it.
What do you call a dictatorial cow?
Moosilini.
Why did the accountant fall off his bicycle?
Because he lost his balance!
How did the Java programmer's son get rich?
Because of inheritance.
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
I got fired from the library in the first 30 minutes because I "womens rights" in the sci-fi fiction section.
85% of us are good at school, while the other 15% is good at suicide.
(Teach me your ways, 15%.)
My girlfriend's a two, but she's turning three tomorrow.
Batman vs Superman?
Dad, there was one day I was playing jump rope with a pig, and then I made pulled pork out of him.
Son, he is dinner.
What's the difference between Vikkstar and a tree?
Nothing. They're both hollow on the inside and brown on the outside.
What's red and runs up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Why do people always talk about 9/11, but seriously, just let it sit there, like the rubble it is.
Why did Sally's pizza get cold? Because she has no arms.