To-Do Jokes

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

Chuck Norris trained Dude Perfect how to do it.

If your kid beats up an orphan, what are they going to do? Tell their parents?

It's really great that you can make fun of orphans, 'cause what are they going to do? Tell their parents?

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.

Whenever I’m bored, I hit up my local orphanage and beat some of them up.

I mean honestly, what are they going to do, tell their parents? 😂😂

I would create an orphan website, but you need a homepage to do that.

Papyrus: Sans, stop being a lazy Bones.

Sans: Why bro, guess you don't have the back bone to do anything, heheh.

If you're pan, all you have to do is get a sibling and make them get your parents to the outside of the pantry, and you burst out and then say you're pansexual!

I wasn’t understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, “Let me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

I want to do Uranus. (tounge emoji) (wet emoji)

Mom: Daddy, stop!

Me: No!

Mom: Ok, I just wanted you to do it like your father.

My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your stepfather."

What's a good way to masturbate?

Get somebody to do it for you.

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

What's the difference between homework and a hooker? They both start with an "H", but we all know which one we would like to do.

This is a big joke, so yeah, you can't tell me what to do. This joke is funny, so laugh, okay?

Now that you're done laughing, let me say a joke... Get it? There was no joke! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahhaha lololol so funny, I'm ninja!