They jokes

I don’t like to tell school shooter jokes because they are usually aimed at a younger audience.

Helicopters fly because they are so ugly that the ground pushes them away.

I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.

So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....

What's the difference between a cheater and your mom?

They both cheated!

I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:

P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.

Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.

“They are all very tearable,” he replied.

Well, there is one person who gets it!

Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.

Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.

In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.

They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"

The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."

What did the store manager say when they ran out of toilet paper?

We’re wiped out!

I see all these 9/11 jokes, and I’m disgusted. I personally won’t make a 9/11 joke because they have a tendency to crash and burn.

Why do orphans always go to church? Because that’s the only place they could call someone "father."

You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.

Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. They went through 110 stories in under 10 seconds.

Stop saying "cheetah cheater" jokes. They suck!

What's the best thing about midgets??

They don't need to bend while giving blowjobs.

How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for it being black.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't find home.

They say making and having friends comes with some benefits. I guess you could say I have friends with benefits.

Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.

Son: Really?

Also 2 hours later:

Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.

Mom: Son, I-

They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"

"Why is it that orphans only play tennis?""That's the only love they can get..."