The jokes

I wish my name was Voyager 2...

So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)

For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.

When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is,

You respond: "cancer."

Doctor says: "Well, what a coincidence!"

I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.

Me- *crying in the shower*

Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

What do you call it when you rickroll someone in the LGBTQ?

You just got fruit-rolled.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

Why do the orphans love going to the bakery down the street so much? Because their cookies are homemade.

One thing is for sure, the victims from 9/11 died warm.

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?

English: It's the story of two potatoes, one gets mashed and the other screams “Oh mash!”

French: C’est l’histoire de deux pommes de terre. Une d’elles se fait écraser et l’autre s’écrie “Oh purée!”

Why did the depressed kid jump off the bike? It was free depressed day.

What did Steven Hawking say when the WiFi cut out?.........Nothing.

Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.

Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂

Joe mama so fat, she could not walk the stairs of heaven.

Credits: to my friend.

What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You're looking sharp.

Last words of the mayor of Hiroshima: “What the fuck was that noise?”