The jokes

I met a rock the other day. He was a very gneiss guy.

Why was the sun ☀️ mad at the clouds ☁️?

Because the clouds kept throwing shade.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.

Today is the day of 9/11, and we were in class making jokes, and somebody said, "That's sad." I was like, "Why?" And they said, "Today is the day the towers went down." I said, "Just like I did on your mum last night."

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

1 like = 1 kid in the bed with me.

Who says white people can't jump?

Have you seen the 911 footage?

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

Your face is crustier than the Sahara Desert.

I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

Yo mama's so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.

Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.

A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

I once got in trouble in the library for putting the women's right book in the fantasy section.

How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

What does the "f" stand for in orphan?

Family.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A. Ask your mother.