The jokes

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

What do you call the girl with no arms and no legs?

Names.

Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.

The police: You finally figured it out.

Why did the feminist kill herself?

Because she was TRIGGERED.

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.

Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"

The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."

Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"

The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

Orphans always dip their Oreos in water, hoping their dad comes back with the milk.

I'm not racist, but the Ku Klux Klan look all the same to me.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don’t get some support people will think we are ball sacks..."

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.

I tried writing with a dull pencil the other day, but there was no point.

How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?

One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.

...just kidding-

- none. They can't change anything.

I met a rock the other day. He was a very gneiss guy.

Why was the sun ☀️ mad at the clouds ☁️?

Because the clouds kept throwing shade.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.

Today is the day of 9/11, and we were in class making jokes, and somebody said, "That's sad." I was like, "Why?" And they said, "Today is the day the towers went down." I said, "Just like I did on your mum last night."