The jokes
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
1 like = 1 kid in the bed with me.
Who says white people can't jump?
Have you seen the 911 footage?
If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.
Your face is crustier than the Sahara Desert.
Memes
Yo mama's so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.
Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.
A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
I once got in trouble in the library for putting the women's right book in the fantasy section.
How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
What does the "f" stand for in orphan?
Family.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Why did the orphan eat cereal with water?
Their dad did not come home with the milk.
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Q: What do you call 6 gay men in the army?
A: Rainbow Six Siege.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.