The jokes

A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.

The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.

When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.

The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."

The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"

The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"

The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"

Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.

So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.

He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.

What's the difference between a square peg in a round hole and a kilo of lard?

One's a good lot of fat; the other's a fat lot of good.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks...

The radio is a player—it always gets turned on by lots of different people.

You might be innocent, but if you carry a large sum of cash in public, the cops won’t believe that.

What did the kid with cancer say? "Can-I see my mom one more time?"

The wheels on the wheelchair go round and round.

Stephen Hawking died because he got hacked by me, and the update was too strong.

Why was the egg runny?

Because he'd just had sex with Jimmy Saville.

Q: How did we learn cats don't land on their feet?

A: We asked Mufasa from the Lion King.

What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad?

My dad came back!

What did the cannibal say to the other?

"Can I practise on you?"

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?

"Quack, quack."

What's black and at the top of a staircase?

Not Stephen Hawking.

Two brothers were arguing. One went: "You're an idiot!"

The other went: "Your brother's a mother!"

He replied: "Yeah, I know. Thanks for agreeing with me."

My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."

Get it? I read? No... ok.

What did the two oceans say to each other?

Nothing. They just waved.

Shut the fuck up, you fat bitch. You always like to roast others, but you can't walk up the stairs without passing out, you fat, stupid bitch. And I caught you breaking into someone's house just to steal a piece of candy, fat-ass bitch.