The jokes
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
You're so ugly that when you came out of the haunted house, you had a job offer.
Biden: Shut up, Trump, disrespectful!
President: You are the one with the inappropriate hair touching, bro. ๐๐๐๐๐๐
Biden: -laughs hard because sloppy Joe can't do anything.
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was two tired.
I usually hang up Halloween decorations,
but this year I'm gonna be the decoration.
Why were the people in the Twin Towers upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead they got plane.
So a mushroom walks in a bar and the waiter says, "You can't be here."
And the mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fungi!"
How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?
There are speedos in the microwave.
It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
Why was Boiling Water hired by NASA (The National Aeronautics and Space Administration) to oversee their Space division?
Because it has at least one hundred degrees.
Aunt: On the internet, buying weight loss pills for 15 dollars.
Niece: I found that show on Netflix that you wanted to watch. It's 3 dollars to watch.
Aunt: I'm not paying for that shit.
Niece: Yet you sit there and buy weight loss pills.
You know why I hate paper? It's TEAR-able to the environment.
What's the difference between Andy and acne?
Acne waited until Adam could talk before coming on his face.
How ISS greets their friend.
"You the BOMB!"
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler.
You're the bunny, and I'm the Rottweiler.
Why did Stephen Hawking roll across the road?
Because he had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby? The baby is still alive.
What is the one sauce Germans avoid on their steak?
"Ajous".
I'm going to piss on the floor.
Read if gay.
Aha!