The jokes
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.
There are 206 bones in the human body.
207 when I'm at a nursery.
Why did the rapper wear a watch to the studio?
He wanted to make TIMELESS TRACKS.
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
What's the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
Your hairline goes so far back that it was getting whipped in the 1800s.
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair, she looks 15.
What's the difference between a black Jew and a white Jew?
The black Jew sits in the back of the oven.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.
Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"
What’s the hardest part about being a PEDO?
Fitting in.