Tell Jokes

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

How do you find a black person in the dark without a flashlight?

Tell them a joke to make them smile.

I was going to tell a ghost joke, but it just seemed so mean-spirited.

A black lady goes inside the drug store on Eight Mile Road in the city of Detroit, Michigan, and asks the pharmacist, "I would like to buy a box of tampons."

And then the black lady is asked by the pharmacist, "Do you want to buy the box of mini pads, or do you want to buy the box of maxi pads?"

And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"

And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"

And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."

Iran: Prepare the FINAL SOLUTION.

Israel: And you'll be telling the whole world, "I-RAN AWAY!"

Once you've had the mother,

Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.

Tell your mom I don't like waiting in queues.

I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.

Here in Canada, you used to be able to be shipped off to an asylum just because you were gay.

I guess they couldn't tell the fruits from the nuts.

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

My son's class is having a career day next week.

He was all embarrassed about having a mother who works at the AISH office.

We've agreed that I'll tell his class I'm a prostitute.

NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

'Cause it's a place to eat.

I wasn't going to tell another rape joke but fuck it.

They say there is power in numbers.

Tell that to the people in the Twin Towers.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

can someone please tell what happened?

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.