What’s bad about swinging a dead baby above your head? Stopping it with the shovel
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
101 pedo jokes whys everything x2, need to get this shit dick off before the coppers come, its called women taking advantage, youl shit the bitcoin, 90% percent of pedo's who dont admit there like kids blame the police, shit your kappas, you only want my veins why dont you inject me with smack, run in with ya black armbands, ive been sized for a million pound, stop giving me strain asking questions, i know whats going to happen next, bet the judge is a women, jelous coz your drink tastes like shit?, is it coz your shit though?, how many bids have you done?, shit 1million views, dont try bribe me, did the police give me snip?, hows my barbie doll or shall i say my little pony? the police beat fuck outta me, whats all these needle marks on my arm, i can tell you want something, whys everything like one big cycle, police own the dark web,
keep it going on lol
If Stephen Hawking was an Xbox... He just red ringed, and rose up to Game Stop
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
There are more than two genders.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with Cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The non stop dancer". It is very funny but it is made even funnier by Dudley moors, drunken and stoned laughter through the song. One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio but they are adlibbing and extremely drunk.
the reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.
Stephen was a great person, and he will be greatly missed but I enjoy these jokes too much to not stop
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."
Person: i'd really like it if you'd stop saying my name all the time Random Person: Cheesus! That hurt Person: SERIOUSLY!?!?!
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
two persons were in a car the brakes were broken and they were so fast that they would crash and die. The driver said:" Oh no! we will die!" but the person sitting next to him replied:" Don't panic the stop sign at the end of the road will stop us."
Why did the clown stop smiling? Someone chopped his lips off.
Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic? Because dead babies make the best chum! :)
Blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a bar. The Blind guy starts swinging the dog around on the leash. The bartender yells Sir Stop! What are you doing!? The Blind guy say, I'm just looking around.
