Friend: If u don't like my bad jokes I will tell some stand up comedy. Me: But u are not standing:)
The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I'm a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I'll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I'll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that's not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I'll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that's impossible you've got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he's laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what's wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you'd just love it.
My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.
He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."
Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck.
The cop that is on a 12 o clock shift says hands up
Why couldn't the bicycle stand? It was two-tired...
Who's never the last man standing---Steven hawking
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, outSTANDing performance.
How many quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb? 4! One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Allouette, gentille allouette!"
Imagine Steven hawkings was the real slim shady but could not stand up
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all they can't stand up for themselves
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
Why do French like to eat snails so much?
They can't stand fast food.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold? -- Because it's 90 degrees.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
