SOS jokes

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

...their new slogan?

The Quicker Pecker Upper.

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?

Others: R.

Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.

Yo mama so old, her birth certificate expired.

Yo mama so ugly, when she tried to enter an ugly contest, they said they didn't allow professionals.

Yo mama so fat, when she bought a fur coat, she made a whole species extinct.

Yo mamma is so dumb that she smokes to burn calories!

Yo mama so fat, when she took a picture of herself, her phone ran out of storage.

You're so slow, the sped kid is your tutor.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.

I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Your forehead is so big, it's a $20 taxi ride from your hairline to your eyebrows.