SOS jokes

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

I know why Asian's eyes are always closed. It's because Americans are so fat and ugly.

I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

Michael Jackson and Kelly Clarkson both did shady stuff to children. Michael Jackson said that there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed with unrelated small children. Kelly Clarkson said that there is nothing wrong with physically beating a small child.

The thing is, though, only one of them made "Billie Jean" or "Beat It", and the other is just a typical karaoke country singer. So no surprise people gave Wacko Jacko a pass.

Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

You are so scary that even your hairline ran away.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

Why are women’s feet so small?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.

So I don’t get pepper sprayed.

Your hairline is so bad that KSI's hairline actually looks normal.

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

Why is the bottom of the sea so dark?

Because Black people can’t swim.

yo mama so fat, when she stepped on the scale it told her "I wanted your weight not your phone number."

Why did God build a stairway to heaven?

So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."