What flour do you give an orphan?
Self-raising.
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"
What do you do when you see a kid alone? You beat them up and say, "It was self-defense!"
Australian says to American: why do you have such bad gun laws?
American: Self defense.
Australian: Self defense against 50 innocent children?
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a dirty diaper?
Answer: none, they're both self-absorbed and full of sh*t!
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"
So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."
The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"
Officer, I drop-kicked that child in self-defense!
You gotta believe me!