Regret jokes

This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.

What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?

Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...