Real jokes

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.

Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?

Her sister is a real Dess-ember!

"Cancer isn't real. It's probably special effects."

I went into a forest with my sharp laptop with F13. Now I'm a real HACKER.

When I was little, I used to think that the people in cartoons were real people...until I turned 7. I realized that it was just people doing voices. Sad, isn't it?

Prince, don't listen to that Princess. She is a fake, I swear. I am the real Gwen.

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

Playing soccer in a wheelchair is basically Rocket League in real life.

If your butt hurts real bad, put some vapor rub and booty cream on it so it can heal back to normal.

An old man gets a call from the IRS.

The man on the phone says, “We’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly, and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office, and the man there says, ”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies, ”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, ”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says, ”Alright, last chance. I bet you 50,000 I can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible, so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agent’s desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “Haha! I got you now!” But the man's lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands, and says, “He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”

I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"

I wanted to make a joke about dandruff.

People are still scratching their heads over it.

Why is Penaldo's favorite club Real Mallorca?

Because it reminds him of Kathryn Mallorca🥵

What's the difference between Kelly Clarkson and a Florida real estate agent?

A Florida real estate agent screws over seniors, Kelly Clarkson screws little children.

Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”

No? Shame, it was real fun.

One day, little Billy came in, pulling up his pants. The teacher asks, "Where have you been, Billy?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, little Willy came in. The teacher asked, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." Ten minutes later, little Johnny came in. The teacher says again, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, a girl came in. The teacher says, "Who are you?" She says, "I'm Beverly Hill."

I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.

But one day I realized, they Israel.

Yo mama so ugly, she the real reason all the dodos died.