Newest Put Jokes - Page 2 - Worst Jokes Ever

Whats ur mom and a dog got in common? Both will lick dick if u put peanut butter on it.

Me: *puts on hand
sanitizer*
A cut I never knew existed:

How do you get a white girl to suck your dick? Put ranch dressing on it

"Man if only I had a place to put out
my cigarette"
My daughter's forehead:

What do women and KFC have in common? After you get done with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

I want to make some strangers on
the internet unreasonably mad today,
but first I need to put my
cast iron skillet in the dishwasher.

She protecc
She attacc
Put most importantly,
max verstappen
ORACL
Red Bull

grandegarlic
bogleech
werewarg
onlylolgifs
Polymer balls that are invisible in water
IMAGINE PUTTING LIKE 10 IN SOMEONE'S BATH AND THEY
GET IN THEY JUST START FREAKING OUT BECAUSE
THERES SOMETHING TOUCHING ME BUT THERES NOTHING
IN THE FUCKING WATER WHAT THE FUCK OMFG
you're not thinking big enough
make them in the shape of people with huge long fingers and hide
one in every swimming pool in America
please calm down satan

Like a shooter says “I put the Fun in funeral

theshittyfoodblog
The stuffed chicken breasts did not go as planned
Make sure to follow me on Instagram @theshittyfoodblog: http://bit.ly/2Bk7pUa
trashboat
were you cooking this in the sewer
impaled
Chernobyl fleshlight
sindri42
Guys I found it. The two worst words to put together.

Me waiting for my grandpa to stop
choking so I can tell him I put a lego
piece in his oatmeal

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day 😮‍💨

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Remember when Calvin wanted to commit a school shooting?

calvin and Hobbes
WOW! CALVIN SUDDENLY FINDS
HIMSELF ON HIS OWN SHEET
OF NOTEBOOK PAPER!
dist by RS PRESS syndicate.
(HOLES FROM
SHELLS)
it's Calvin!
HELP!
JAIL SCHOOL
2000.
11
AAAA
L
MATTERSIN 1992
FORTUNATELY, CALVIN
HAD BEEN DOODLING
ALL MORNING!
HERE'S A TANK! PLEASED BY
HOW WELL IT'S RENDERED,
CALVIN CLIMBS IN!'
THERE'S THE SCHOOL! CALVIN
FIRES DIRECTLY INTO MISS
WORMWOOD'S CLASSROOM!
KIDS DIVE OUT THE WINDOWS.
W²
OH NO! MISS WORMWOOD HAS COME
TO PUT A STOP TO CALVIN'S FUN!
HE FIRES AGAIN AND AGAIN, BUT
SHE'S TOO BIG
AND MEAN!
Q
Mon
9/15
THE BLUE RULED GUIDE
LINES ARE NO MATCH FOR
THE TANKS HEAVY TREADS!
CALVIN ROARS ACROSS
THE PAGE ANYWHERE
HE WANTS!
HAND IT OVER,
LEONARDO, AND
SEE ME AFTER
CLASS.
THE ARTS ARE
ALWAYS THE FIRST
TO GO IN PUBLIC
SCHOOLS.

A Girl walks into the church and confesses..

Girl " Forgive me father for i have sinned"

Priest "How have you you sinned may i ask?"

Girl " I called a man a son of a bitch"

Priest " Why did you call a man a son of a bitch?"

Girl " He held my hand '

Priest " Like this? ( he holds the girl's hand)

Girl " Yes father"

Priest " That does not explain why you called a man a bitch"

Girl " He started taking off my clothes "

Priest " Like this? " ( He takes off the girls clothes)

Girl " yes father "

Priest " that also doesn't explain why you called the man a bitch "

Girl " Then he took off his clothes and put his you know what into my you know what "

Priest " Like this? " ( he puts his you know what into her you know what )

Girl " YES FATHER !! YES FATHER !!!

Priest " Then what? "

Girl " Then he got up and left me naked "

Priest " THAT SON OF A BITCH!! "

Marriage is really educational

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

1) buy a lobster
[deleted] by
My friend is in forensics and works on crime
scenes. They find a woman laying on the
bathroom floor with a head wound and live
baby shrimp on the floor with a smell of burnt
residue. After 3 days of investigation, they
figured out what happened.
Long story short, she bought a lobster from
the market. In the market, they feed the
lobster live baby shrimp until they're sold. This
woman brings the lobster home, inserts the
lobster's tail into her vagina, lights a lighter
and puts the flame towards the lobster's head,
so the lobster will frantically start shaking his
tail (which is inside her vagina), giving her the
jollies. Apparently she killed the lobster from
burning his head too long, the lobster, being
dead, voids his bowels, causing this lobster to
shit live baby shrimp into her vagina. This
woman then goes to pee and sees live baby
shrimp crawling out of her vagina, she freaks
out, falls, and cracks her head open on the
bathtub and dies.
it happened in Chicago in 2001
?
---
14
1) wait for horny
Chicago 2001
"Lobster Love" Incident

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!