I should probably stop making emo jokes. They just don't seem to cut it anymore.
“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard the gunshots, he would’ve probably thought it was the ice cream truck
I would tell a 9/11 joke but it would probably go up in flames
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore. And if I tried it would probably crash and burn. It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.
Motivational quote for today: if you think you're dumb you're probably overestimating your intellectual abilities...
Motivational Quote for today: if you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...
Why did the rapper carry an UMBRELLA?
Because he heard there was a 50% chance of "Lil Wayne"
Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.
Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer"
Doctor: what is your zodiac sign?
Patient: cancer why?
Doctor: what are the chances
Patient: of what?
We got Spider-Man Homecoming, Spider-Man Far from Home, then Spider-Man No Way Home, considering society’s current state and how shitty 2023 is, the next movie is probably gonna be Spider-Man Homosexual
Why is the ocean so salty? Probably because the land doesn't wave back.
10/7 is probably a spinoff of 9/11. You can't convince me otherwise.
What do you call someone who fixes walls? Juan probably.
What are the odds of you being in a relationship that is going on in the next few months?
America get pranked lol Bidens penis is probably as big as the twin towers right now Oh wait...
Yo mama so fat that when she went to the fatty compition they said no because they didn't want professionals
(Just a joke she's probably kind)
