Probability

Probability jokes

Roast

You were probably voted "Most Likely to Become an Ice agent" in school.

Bertold Brecht & Tork Poettschke visit the places of their youth together. One says to the other: "Here used to be the Phoenix Lake. Where did he go?" "That was probably a pirate ..."

“Which tool,” Andrea Bocelli asks Chris Doemges, “fits best in the mailbox?”

Doemges: “Probably the flathead screwdriver!”

Beethoven to Chris Doemges: "What instrument do you play outside in the Arctic at -12 degrees Celsius?"

Doemges: "Probably the shiver..."

Woman

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

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    • Woman

    What is the first thing you would do if you woke up as a woman?

    "Probably the dishes."

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    • Candy

    There are some questionable candies out there, such as:

    "All I want is a good Blow Pop."

    "I don’t even want to know where that Butterfinger has been."

    "If you do, you’ll probably end up with tasting the rainbow."

    "Nobody wants to bite into an O’Henry."

    "Or adopt Three Musketeers."

    "Or even end up with a Sour Patch."

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    • Lesbian

    Did you hear about the lesbian midget? She probably came out of the cabinet.

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    • I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

    What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.

    The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.

    I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.

    Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

    I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

    That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

    I should probably stop making abortion jokes.

    After all, the aborted babies aren't laughing.

    I should probably stop making emo jokes.

    They just don't seem to cut it anymore.

    "Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

    Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

    One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

    He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

    So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

    If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard gunshots, he probably would’ve thought it was the ice cream truck.