Probability jokes
I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably go up in flames.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.
And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.
It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.
Motivational quote for today: if you think you're dumb, you're probably overestimating your intellectual abilities...
Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...
Why did the rapper carry an UMBRELLA?
Because he heard there was a 50% chance of "Lil Wayne."
Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.
Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer."
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer, why?
Doctor: What are the chances?
Patient: Of what?
We got Spider-Man Homecoming, Spider-Man Far from Home, then Spider-Man No Way Home, considering society’s current state and how shitty 2023 is, the next movie is probably gonna be Spider-Man Homosexual.
Why is the ocean so salty? Probably because the land doesn't wave back.
10/7 is probably a spinoff of 9/11.
You can't convince me otherwise.
What do you call someone who fixes walls?
Juan, probably.
You're shorter than a thumbtack, like, boy, your auntie is probably taller than you.
What are the odds of you being in a relationship that is going on in the next few months?
America get pranked lol.
Biden's penis is probably as big as the Twin Towers right now.
Oh wait...
Yo mama so fat that when she went to the fatty competition, they said no because they didn't want professionals.
(Just a joke, she's probably kind.)
I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sister’s tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
When life gives you melons, You’re probably dyslexic.
In Saudi Arabia, there lived a man named Abdul.
Abdul rhymes with Azul, the Spanish word for blue.
And he probably be lookin' more blue than me.