Percentage jokes

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

They say people are 75% water.

But I'm 100% useless.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.

I took a pole today. 100% of the people in the tent were unhappy that it collapsed.

I was walking by the gun shop earlier and saw everything was 40% off. I didn't know back to school sales were already starting.

Nearly 40% of the world have been in a relationship; the 60% are worstjokesever.com users.

Funny things or weird things to say to someone.

Hey... have you kissed a girl before? Weird things to say to someone.

It's hard to find friends that [are] 91% funny, 100% nice, and 1000000% good-looking. Funny!

Weird names to call a girl: Sweetums.

Baby-Bugga-Boo.

Fuzzkins.

Lumpy.

Nilly.

Ninty Minty.

and SEXY WITCH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Gross that's why I am not getting a bf!

I'm 50% human, so that 50% stupid is 100% you.

What's the difference between 5% of priests and 5% of atheists?

5% of atheists have seen a ghost.

5% of priests have spooked altar boys in the sacristy.

Do you love water?

Then you love 75% of me!

This is a lot like anal sex.

You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.

I C U P works on 88% of people.

I found a book called "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems." So I bought 2.

85% of us are good at school, while the other 15% is good at suicide.

(Teach me your ways, 15%.)

90,900,00,1090,279402% of girls are raped. 67% of women are raped. So I guess girls are sexier than women! Who agrees? Please comment: Good or Bad.

How did Steven Hawkings die?

His wife tripped over his charging plug when he was at 2% battery.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.

Like it if you judge people's hairlines.

Statistics show that 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile. However, I think that's a lie because I just live next to 2 stunning 8-year-olds.