Off jokes

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

How do you make a pink Smurf?

You peel the skin off.

Why did Bob fall off the swing while playing? Because he had no arms.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Not Bob.

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Why did Michael Jackson go to Walmart? Because he heard boys' pants were half off!

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

What do you call a herd of cows pleasuring themselves? Beef strokin’ off!

Hi, I was a feminist until I realised that:

A. Feminism is just a pile of dumb shit.

B. That men are actually treated unequally.

SO

we should all say sorry to the boys for pissing them off.

Why did the heterosexual woman try to put a mask 😷 on her pussy? She wanted to protect herself from covid, but she did try to put a mask 😷 on her dildo, but the mask 😷 keep falling off the dildo.

How do you know a hippie is on her period?

Her socks are missing.

How do you know she's off?

Her socks are tye-dye.

Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.

I drove by the gun shop the other day and everything was half off for back to school.

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

Why did little Susie fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms or legs.

Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

Not Susie.

Why did the bee buzz off?

Because he had to bee somewhere.

What is more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?

Catching it with a pitchfork.