No jokes

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Stephen Hawking was one of the best scientists ever. Now he's walking up the steps of he... No, he's not walking up the steps of heaven.

Can bees fly higher than Mt. Everest? No? Actually, they can. Mt. Everest can't fly.

Why did Steven Hawking have no friends?

He couldn’t stand anyone...

Does your shoe have a hole in it?

No.

Then how did you put your foot in it?

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

A nucleus walked into a bar. He asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”

What goes "Ooooooo"?

A cow with no lips.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?

"Nice tits, bitch."

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

I am no longer anonymous.

What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?

Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.