No jokes
Go drop-kick an orphan. No one will know, not like his parents would know.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't comin'.
A girl named Sally has no arms.
"KNOCK KNOCK"
She never answered...
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
Memes
What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Where do you find a dog with no arms or legs?
Where you left it.
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
Why did little Susie fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms or legs.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Not Susie.
Q: Can orphans hit a home run?
A: No, they don't know what it's like to have a home to run to.
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
*School shooting happens.*
Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk.*
American student: "First time?"
Foreign exchange student: "Yeah, you?"
American student: "Hahaha. No, not my first time."
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
There's something on your chin... no, the 3rd one.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍
After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
Girl: "...I like you... do you like me back?"
Me: "Nope."
Girl: *is depressed* "Oh okay...."
Me: "You never said \"love\"".
Girl: "Oh! well do you love me?"
Me: "Frick no."