No jokes

So I gave a disabled kid hot wheels. I mean cars, no I gave him literal hot wheels!

What constellation has no hair at all?

Cancer.

You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

Why does Africa have no pharmacies? Because you can't have medicine on an empty stomach.

Roses are red, violets are blue, it's really no wonder your mama left you!

"What’s your name?"

"Am erica."

"No, I asked for your name, not your country."

A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.

After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.

And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"

God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

Can a cook and clean for real? No, I do not want no rabbit hare in my house.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

They don't know what home is.

Why does Oscar Field have no friends? Because he spends time on his fields.

Why did the fire not burn the kid? Because it had no lips.

Did you know there is no "p" in the alphabet? ABCDEFGHIJKLM(NOP)!

I'm just happy no idiots are calling these people fat-phobic.

What do you call a fish with no legs?

Fsh have no legs.

What do you do with legs?

Fsh have no legs.

What do you do with legs?

Break!

Bully: You are a piece of shit.

Person: No, I'm not a piece, and I'm not brown... so no, honey.

What time is it when you say no to everything? Time to get bored.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?"

The bartender responds, "For you, no charge."

Student: There are 505 rocks in a car. If 8 fall out, how many are left?

Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left.

Student: Ok!!

Student: How do you put an alligator in a closet?

Teacher: You can't, it won't fit.

Student: No!! Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door.

Teacher: Ohhh, now I get it.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."