No jokes

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

What do you call a calf that is in no way brave?

A coward.

I take all my anger out on orphans. Why?

Because they have no parents to run to.

Why did Sally drop her ice cream? Because she has no arms.

Q: What did the person who invented the door knocker get?

A: A no-bell prize.

Sara's Mom was helping her prepare for her driver's test.

Mom: "Okay, any questions?"

Sara: "Yes. I actually don't know what "yield" means."

Mom: "Don't worry, Hon. No one does."

Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

Because he wanted to win no-bell prize!

Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.

Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol

Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!

Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, I'm not.

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

Q. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

A. Cancer.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had "no-body" to go with.

Do you know why there are no pharmacies and pharmacists in Africa?

Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach!

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

You can't drink alcohol or dance.

Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂

Why did Stephanie fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Not Stephanie!

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."