What's Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?
Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.
Why did the Titanic sink it's because they didn't want the icebergs candy
Why did the titanic sink because he saw a iceberg selling candy
If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.
So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.
What's the difference between a dwarf and a Japanese man?
I don't know, you tell me.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?
"Can I have a bodybag?"
What did the slaves say when they met their soon-to-be masters?
"Aaah, a ghost!"
When I said I wanted vegetable stew, I didn’t mean boil Stephen Hawking!
Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”
Why is Santa always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I’d roast you, but your mirror does that for me every day.
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.
What's the difference between you and your sister?
Your dad.
Ashton Parkes.
What is a orphans family tree a stump
