man: hi doc, i have a problem. i take a shit at 6:00am every morning. doc: whats wrong with that. man: i dont wake up until 8:00am
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
Why do orphans never wake up in the morning? There dad can’t wake them up
I asked my dog this morning how her weeks been going- she said "ruff". I feel her you know? I feel her.
One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV His daughter comes in and says "dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! Its because when you were born a rose peddle fell on your head." "Cool" Rose said.
The second daughter walked in and said "dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied,"Oh! its because when you were a baby, a daisy peddle fell on your head." "Awesome" Daisy said.
The third daughter came in and said "DuUuUDeEeEeDrrrrrrrrr!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"
Onna day Imma going to Malta to bigga hotel In the morning I go downa to eat breakfast, I tell the waitress I want to pieces of toast, She brings me only one piece, I tell her I want to piece, She sais: "go to the toilet", I say: "you nounderstand", I wanna piece on my plate, she says: "you better not piss on your plate you son of a bitch", I don't even know the lady and she calls me a son of a bitch
I don't need this shit!!
Later, I go to eata at the bigga restaurant, the waitress brings me a spoon and a knive, but no fork, I tell her i wanted a fork, she tella me everyone wanna fuck, i tell: "you don't understand, I wanna fork on my table", she says: "you better not fuck on the table you son of a bitch", I don't even know the lady and she calls me a son of a bitch
I dont need this shit!
So I go back to my room in a hotel, and there are no sheets on the bed, call the manager and telling him I wanna a sheet, he tella me go to the toilet, I say: "you don't understand, I wanna sheet on my bed", he says: "you better not shit on my bed you son of a bitch",
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk says 'peace on you', I say 'piss on you too you son of a bitch, Im going back to Italia, ariva derchi'
I don't need this shit!
Moral of the story, don't go to Australia with a Korean accent
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq I never had kids
GO ON THE QUINTILLIONAIRE MORNING ROUTINE NOW!
1. Wake up 2. Take a shit 3. Eat 4. Get out of bed 5. Have breakfast
What does a killer say in the shower in the morning.
-Splish Splash, i'm gonna slash...
🔪🗡️ 🩸
Little Johnny attends school regularly and often brings a box of sultanas as a gift to his favourite teacher. One morning Little Johnny attends class without a box of sultanas. The teacher enquires, why Johnny "where is my box of sultanas? Johnny Relied. Sorry miss my rabbit died.
What do orphans eat for breakfast
Daddy.o's
Johnny is on his way to school when he comes across a frog, with a sudden inspirational thought he picks the frog up, shoves a fire cracker up the frogs arse, lights the cracker and blows the frog to smithereens. Now at school the teacher asks the class :" Has any body got any thing for show and tell this morning"? Johnny waves his arm in the air and is virtually screaming "Me mis me mis me mis". "Ok Johnny, What do you have to share with the class today"? Little Johnny then says " Well on my way to school today I shoved a cracker up a frogs arse" the teacher interrupts and says " It's not arse Johnny, It's rectum". Johnny then says " Fucking oath it wrecked ; him'.
I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.
I needn't have bothered.
The next day, it was smeared all over my face.
'...This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window.
"What's been going on John?"' I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
The dirty bastard!'
A woman went into her garden and danced in front of her vegetables. The next morning, her corn didn’t grow, and the tomatoes didn’t blush or turn red, but the cucumbers grew four inches.
My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing minecraft all night. Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believe that at the time. But now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't
