New Medical Advice Jokes

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.

"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.

"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”