Medical advice jokes

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.

"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.

"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.