Living Jokes

Anonymous
in Cat

What do you call a cat with a live in doctorz?

An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.

Anonymous
in Orphan

What happens when an orphan is told that someone had found their parents? They cry… They scream… with joy “Oh wait, no, that wasn’t your parents” Orphan grabs a knife out of the kitchen, lets just say, the orphan didnt live to tell the tail…

When your so rich that you can buy anything you end up getting a cow in your living room yeah anyways my ex is still in my living room

R6_RENEGADE ON TWITCH
in Man

I have cancer the doctor said I have 3 days to live but I was like fuck it and killed him the jury said I have life in prison I shouted yes he said thank you you saved my life

Pigeon
in Little Johnny

Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?" Jo

Little Johnny: “Your wife.”

Anonymous

Me: I have lost it.

Random: Lost what?

Me: My will to live.

Puma

(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today? (Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka. (Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well I quit! (Kid) Quit What? (Bus Driver) Living. (Kid) But it was a joke! (Bus Driver) Doesn’t matter. I will die but you will still be alive. (Kid) Ok (Bus Driver) That was a joke too!

Jack Dillon
in Kobe

you know what the difference between kobe bryant and russel westbrook, he wears 0 and kobe has 0 lives left

in America

If you ever feel useless… Just remember that If you ever feel useless…

Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with…

the Taliban

Anonymous Joker
in Priest

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents. " Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white." The mother rushes the boy to the hospital while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she’s surprisingly calm. “How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?” He exclaims. The wife looks up at him. “What are you talking about? It’s just a liver infection.”

Anonymous
in Dark Humor

Most controversial types of matter:

  1. Dark matter
  2. Anti matter
  3. Black lives matter
Wacky
in Depression

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Dont take drugs kids! Me: my therapist says i need those to live D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: escourts to school counselor

Virtuous Hillbilly

If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day. Protect your young’uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.

Mason Meyer
in State

I love Alabama. I live their. I have a sign that says Sweet Home Alabama!

Imposter

Guy asked me what I do for a living. Now I’m not old enough to get a job so I said nothing. He asked me again so I said, “Your wife” The guy goes to slap me but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, “You swore not to tell!”

GAGE SCHEIT
in Orphan

what do you call a house with noone living inside? a orphan house

Anonymous

Why is Santa always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Anonymous

Little boy asked his dad why was he was born black. Father replied, so the heat from the sun doesn’t burn your skin. Then he asks why is our hair all frizzy like fuse wire. So the coconuts when falling from the trees won’t hurt you. Then what are we doing living in Rochdale. (England)