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Last will jokes

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously,

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,

"Mom, are you still awake?"

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    • 1. Are you talking to me because I think you talked to my backside?

    2. Your mom must taste good because it is always in your mouth.

    3. My foot lasts longer than your life.

    I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

    And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.

    What did one butthole say to the other?

    "I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

    I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

    As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?

    I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

    Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

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    • Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

    Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

    Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

    Sultan Khan was a courtier in Akbar's court. He wanted to make his son the royal treasurer, but his cunning plans always failed.

    Sultan Khan thought that Birbal was the cause of his son's misfortune, so he looked for an opportunity to get rid of Birbal. One day, Birbal was late to the emperor's court. Seeing this, Sultan Khan said, "Your Majesty, don't you think that Birbal is taking advantage of his position because he has been late these days?"

    "This must be another plan to trap Birbal," said Akbar. So he decided to wait and see what Birbal would do. Akbar sat next to Suman Khan and said, "Yes, he must be punished."

    Suman Khan was amazed to see his plan work this time. "From now, you should not agree to anything he says today," Akbar replied, "Agreed."

    Soon, Birbal came to court. "Please spare me for being late. My wife was unwell." Akbar immediately said, "No."

    Birbal was surprised. He tried again by saying, "But that's the truth. Please believe me." Again, Akbar replied, "No."

    "There must be something going on," thought Birbal to himself. Then he asked, "Can we discuss important matters today?" Akbar immediately replied, "No, we will not."

    "Then may I go home?" asked Birbal. Akbar said, "No, you will stay here this evening," said Akbar, enjoying himself. Birbal understood what was happening.

    "Oh, so this is my game. The emperor is saying no to all my questions." He looked around and saw Suman Khan smiling, seeing him in trouble. "This must be his idea. Let me teach him a lesson."

    The clever Birbal thought to Akbar, "Very well," he said. "But I have a last request. Will you please listen to me?" Akbar saw what Birbal had done.

    He was very pleased and called loudly, "No, I will not listen to you." That is all Birbal said before returning to his seat. Suman Khan was stunned and angry, and Birbal had outwitted him, so he could not make his son the treasurer.

    What was George's last message to humanity before joining the others?

    "I CAN'T BREATHE!"

    Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die.

    "After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families."

    This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio.

    "There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers."

    Some of the tribal members begin walking by, displaying various implements of war and death.

    The first explorer chose a crusty-looking musket. Thankfully, the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss.

    The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat.

    Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen.

    The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought.

    After a few moments, the chieftain said, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..."

    "Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted?

    Baffled, the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink.

    When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear.

    Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink.

    Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper, and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..."

    Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso, nib first, again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle.

    Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word.

    "But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked.

    Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"

    I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.

    It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.