Intervention jokes

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.

"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.

"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head.

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.

"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?

You better not lay a finger on her!

What do you call an Irish man that breaks up fights?

Liam Malone.

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope.

A friend texts to another:

"Hey." They reply, "What's up?"

The first friend then replies with a simple answer, "The sky!" But the other friend intervenes and says, "No, it's the ceiling!"

To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, "Unless you're homeless or six feet under."

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"

Hahahahaha......... Autism.

A man goes to a motel room and sees a woman tied up and she said, "Help me please!" He had to do some forceful thinking.

One time, a cow saved my life.

It was bovine intervention.

Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "Well, that escalated quickly..."

Yo mama is so fat, she brought a pencil to early intervention!

So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.

He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.