If jokes

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

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    • A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."

    1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!

    2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!

    3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!

    4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!

    If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!

    Are these good?

    My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

    She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

    I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

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    • What name do you get if you mix the names Chris and Marisa?

    Then you get the name Chrisa.

    10 Fun Facts.

    1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)

    If you have a twin sister, do you have the same name? Only if your mom and dad give you the same name.

    What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

    "Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

    What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!

    What do you call an angry reindeer? RUDE-olph!

    What is Santa's favorite breakfast? Snowflakes!

    What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis!

    I was asking people who knew Trump if he would win a second term. Stormy said, "No way, he doesn't have two in him!"

    Knock knock. Who's there? Hal. Hal who? Hal will you know if you don't open the door?

    There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"

    What happens if you mix the two names "Shannon" and "Stephanie"? You have the name "Shanny."

    Police: Where do you live?

    Me: With my parents.

    Police: Where do your parents live?

    Me: With me.

    Police: Where do you all live?

    Me: Together.

    Police: Where is your house?

    Me: Next to my neighbor's house.

    Police: Where is your neighbor's house?

    Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

    Police: Tell me.

    Me: Next to my house.

    Police: *Arrests me*

    A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

    The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

    After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

    The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

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