HI Jokes

What do you call a man who lost his car??

Carlos

Hi Andrew, this is Nick.

Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

A kid and his dad went to the park. The kid accidentally steps on a cockroach.

They go home immediately and dad gets the scissors. Now the kid has some balls to play with.

Hi! I love my dog.

A still image from the Muppets. Gonzo, a blue puppet with a large nose and grey hair, is looking at Kermit, a green frog puppet. The text below the image says, "Gonzo uses his psychic powers to crush Kermit's brittle, amphibian body."

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

There were two twin brothers, Lucas and Marcus. Marcus got a girlfriend while Lucas stayed single.

A few weeks later, Lucas was caught kissing Marcus's girlfriend, and Marcus comes over and says: "Babe, I know we're twins, but I'm Marcus, and that's Lucas you were kissing." And his girlfriend looks at him and says: "I know."

(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)

MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?

BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!

MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?

BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!

MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?

BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.

MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.

BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!

(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)

MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!

A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, "I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"

The teacher grabbed Billy and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, "Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"

Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."

That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"

Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"

Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."

Billy sat up straight and said, "I KNEW that damn thing had wheels!"

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork and returned to the blind man.

The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "Oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"

If you are a student at law school, a law professor can charge you up to $98,998.00 for one semester.

If the law professor is very late and is not punctual to teach you anything about law in his class, should a law student be able to charge the law professor a certain amount of money for not being able to teach his class because he is off task and not being punctual? Is your time precious too?

If the law professor is Polish, now you know the reason why you should never go to a law school that has a "dumb polack" for a law professor.

Sorry for your luck; it sucks to be you!

Superman was bored and wanted to go out. He called all his super friends, but they were all busy. He even calls Louis, but it's her time of the month.

He flies to the liquor store and buys some beer and gets drunk. As he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of the roof. He starts thinking, "I will fly down and have sex with her sooooo fast," BURP, "that she won't know what happened," HICKUP.

He flies to her faster than the speed of light, BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, and flies away with a smile. He passes out and crashed into a wall.

Wonder Woman jumps up and screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?"

The Invisible Man appears, holding his butt, and he gets off on Wonder Woman and says, "I don't know, but my butt hurts real bad."

Donald Trump has too much sand in his vagina.

A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

"We're going with Trevor."

"Ok, what if it's a girl?"

"Then we'll have an abortion."

What do you call a Roman with a pubic hair in his teeth?

Glad He Ate Her.

The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”

He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”