Heard jokes
Y'all heard of Poptarts, eh?
Well why are there no Momtarts?
Because of the PASTRYarchy!
Unfortunately, NASCAR has been canceled.
The woke people heard that it was a human traffic ring.
Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.
If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard gunshots, he probably would’ve thought it was the ice cream truck.
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?
I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.
He’s used to penetrating aggressively.
The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
Why did the booty go to the party?
It heard it was a "bash."
Why did the short person bring a ladder to the bar?
Because they heard the drinks were on the house!
Why did the rapper bring a map to the recording studio?
Because he heard they were dropping TRACKS.
I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.
(Extra Cholesterol)
Why did the rapper go to the seafood restaurant?
Because he heard they had PHAT BASS.
Why did the rapper carry an UMBRELLA?
Because he heard there was a 50% chance of "Lil Wayne."
Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the studio?
Because he heard the bars were high.
I heard Pixar is releasing a new movie.
It’s called Finding Chemo.
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
Did you hear that Joe contracted Sugondese Ligma on his trip to Suggon, and now he won’t be able to make it to Saw Con?
Have you guys heard about the crazy shadow glitch in the game Sonic X? Just google "Sonic X Shadow."
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with him?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"