Heard jokes
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
Y'all heard of Poptarts, eh?
Well why are there no Momtarts?
Because of the PASTRYarchy!
Unfortunately, NASCAR has been canceled.
The woke people heard that it was a human traffic ring.
Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.
If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard gunshots, he probably would’ve thought it was the ice cream truck.
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?
I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.
He’s used to penetrating aggressively.
The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
Why did the booty go to the party?
It heard it was a "bash."
Why did the short person bring a ladder to the bar?
Because they heard the drinks were on the house!
Why did the rapper bring a map to the recording studio?
Because he heard they were dropping TRACKS.
I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.
(Extra Cholesterol)
Why did the rapper go to the seafood restaurant?
Because he heard they had PHAT BASS.
Why did the rapper carry an UMBRELLA?
Because he heard there was a 50% chance of "Lil Wayne."
Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the studio?
Because he heard the bars were high.
I heard Pixar is releasing a new movie.
It’s called Finding Chemo.
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
Did you hear that Joe contracted Sugondese Ligma on his trip to Suggon, and now he won’t be able to make it to Saw Con?
Have you guys heard about the crazy shadow glitch in the game Sonic X? Just google "Sonic X Shadow."