Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to wake up sleeping pills.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a type-O."
Yo mama so fat, when she decides to workout, the stock market goes bankrupt.
Health and safety tips: Looking at your hairline is hazardous. For your best interest, please look away.
True story: In 1986, in the midst of the HIV epidemic, they made condoms available to the public. At that time, me and my boyfriend were 13 years old. My boyfriend was so happy: "These will make great water balloons!" And I was even happier. I did not have to pack a lunch for school tomorrow, lol.
What is an old lady's favorite exercise?
Trying to get up from the soft couch.
Do you want drugs? Buy KFC; poor people.
Technoblade should have drank milk. Would have gotten rid of all his status effects!
What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?
Steamed veggies!
ICUP WORKS ON 88% OF PEOPLE
We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.
No one is taking it harder than grandpa.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.
How did the fat person cross the road?
It rolled.
What do you call a cripple convention? A salad.
How do the Powerpuff Girls vape?
They take a "power puff."
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
Q: What do you call deaf Magic Johnson?
A: Hearing Aids.
My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"
He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.
