Hammer

Hammer jokes

It looks like your face was lit on fire and someone tried to extinguish it with a hammer!

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

[God creating sharks]

God: Ok give them 3 rows of teeth.

Angel: Seems excessive but ok.

God: And make them mean as hell.

Angel: WTF y.

God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO.

Angel:...

God: And make one of the types have a hammer for a head.

Angel: Why do I still work for you?

God: Because I’m the only employer as of right now.

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

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  • What’s the difference between an orphan and a watermelon? One of them is fun to hit with a sledge hammer and the other one is just a watermelon.

    I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"

    A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

    Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

    Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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  • I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

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  • What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.

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  • What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

    One is fun to hit with a sledge hammer, and the other is just a watermelon.