My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. ( ╹▽╹ )
Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (◍•ᴗ•◍)
All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ◡ಠ
Why did the orphan become gay? Because he wanted to call someone "daddy."
Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."
I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.
Orphan lady: Ok kids, someone donated groceries.
Orphans: YAY!
5 minutes later...
Orphans: Wait... where's the...
Orphan lady: *tries to hold daughter*
Person who donated: *holds milk in hand* hehe
Why is an orphan bad at tennis?
'Cause he couldn't get any love.
Orphans are stupid, am I right? Hehehehehehehehehehehe.
I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.
My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."
My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.
I hate my wife.
Dad: If you study, then I will buy you a new iPhone.
Son: Okay, I'll do it!
5 hours later...
Son: I'm done!
Dad: I lied.
Son: So did I!
Me calling the orphan kid from school: "Hello, are your parents home?"
The orphan kid: *starts sobbing* "STOP CALLING HERE!"
What do you call an orphan's family reunion?
Me time.
Why can't orphans really play baseball?
Because when they do, all the other kids tell that joke that everyone has heard more than 50 times.
Yo momma so ugly when she the and ugly weird the and she ugly!
Why did the man get run over?
Ur mom XD
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
