Family jokes
My uncle was a priest.
He had a two-inch penis, but when it was in my ass, it felt like a torpedo.
Why can orphans not play baseball? They can't hit a home run.
"Where are you? I need to throw you out because Mum said to take out the trash."
Why are orphans running around the world after the baseball coach said, "Go home"?
Because he didn’t know what the hell to do.
Why did the orphan like milk?
Because their parents went to get milk and never came back!
If an orphan was an animal, it would be an owl because they don't know "WHOOO" their parents are.
What do Nemo and my dad have in common?
They both can't be found.
Why don't a gun and an orphan have anything in common? The gun is actually useful.
Why do orphans not build houses in Minecraft? Because they want it to be realistic.
Why do orphans love role-plays?
Because they can call someone "daddy."
Why do orphans like emos?
Reverse "emo" and put an "h" in the beginning.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
Why doesn't the police arrest orphans? Because they aren't wanted.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your mom's house.
Knock knock.
You: Who's there?
Your new father!
Me: "What are you doing??"
Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"
Me: "I don't know."
Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"
Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"
Don't bully kids.
What's the difference between an orphan and Stuart Little?
Stuart Little got chosen!
What’s the only other advantage of being an orphan?
The teacher can’t give you homework.
Why can't an orphan have sex?
Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy."
Dad: Johnny, Johnny?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Getting women?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Telling lies?
Johnny: No, Papa.
Dad: Well, you're 100% lying because you get NO WOMEN!
Why is the orphan sad for dinner?
He has no one to eat with at the table.