Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"
I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?
Hot Wheels.
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!
"Among Us" is a game (Skeld) where there is an imposter trying to hijack the ship and kill everyone. Does this sound similar to September 11, 2001?
What could've the Towers done to not start 9/11?
Call 911.
what is it called when someone is in a wheel chair and in a fire?
(hot wheels...)
The terrorists lost their landing gear and had to make a crash landing into the closest building because religion.
Your mama so white that her first number was 911.
You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.
One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.
A collection of 911 jokes.
What kinda pizza did they order at 911?
Plane.
What was the color of 911?
Plane.
What is the fastest way to see 911?
Plane.
So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."
Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.
Students: Hiding under desk.
Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!
How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!
What world record did the people in 9/11 get?
The world record for going down 80 floors in a matter of seconds.
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.
You were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen
