Do jokes

What do you call a retard with a boner? A slowpoke.

What do girls and rocks have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?

Raped.

What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?

The thot that counts.

What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

You wave at him.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

What do gay people and mice have in common?

They both hate pussy cats!

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?

A Catholic priest.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

What kind of tea do wealthy people own?

Proper-Tea.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.