Do jokes

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.

What do you call a dead parrot?

Polygon.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten tickles.

What do you call a Mexican Baptism?

Bean Dip.

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.

You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...

How do you know when Helen Keller is home?

Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!

I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.

But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.

What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?

Suicide Boomer.

Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both leave children's rooms with an empty sack.

What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?

A cliffhanger.

What do you do when you see a sad orphan?

Nothing, let them wait for their parents.

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

What do you call the space in between Kim Kardashian's breasts?

Silicon Valley.

When a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?

Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?

He wanted to keep his nuts dry.