Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Fat bully. That was just the starter, now do you want the main course?
Me: I don't think I want that because you already ate it.
You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.
Why don’t cannibal kids eat people with Down Syndrome? Because kids don’t like vegetables.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
You're so fat, you only know the letters KFC.
I got barred from Weight Watchers today.
It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.
They always say you are what you eat! So I’d be nothing. That sounds about right.
When you want Pringles, but a fat person was eating them, there were only three left, sweety.
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?
Kill her afterwards.
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Your mum eats cabbage.
What do we want? A cure for obesity.
When do we want it? After lunch.
Why can't Chinese people play baseball?
They eat the bat.
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
Because he was a "her" before.
