Die jokes
Paul Walker started in 3 movies: Fast and Furious, Gone in 60 Seconds, To Die Hard.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, how did you know and what gave me away?
Me: Where's your parents?
Orphan: They died and I have a phone, why?
Me: Because it has a home button.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Has anyone else ever been jealous when their laptop dies?
We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"
What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.
Kobe likes his shoes like the way he died.
Air.
Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.
I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).
So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."
I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.
Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?
It died before them.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
The man who invented Velcro died.
RIP.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.