Die jokes
Roses are dead. violets are dying. Outside I'm smiling. Inside I'm crying.
My grandpa was a great pilot, but he died on September 11, 2001.
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
With the sentence "Die in hell," you can buy shoes in Germany.
My great grandfather died in 9/11.
He was such a good pilot.
Why didn't the child go to school?
Because he died of a heroin overdose.
Paul Walker started in 3 movies: Fast and Furious, Gone in 60 Seconds, To Die Hard.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, how did you know and what gave me away?
Me: Where's your parents?
Orphan: They died and I have a phone, why?
Me: Because it has a home button.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Has anyone else ever been jealous when their laptop dies?
We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"
What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.
Kobe likes his shoes like the way he died.
Air.
Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.
I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).
So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."