I wondered why the baseball was getting closer...
Then it hit me...
Closer kin, deeper in !
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears. "I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing." The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."
The End
How is smoking similar to oral sex? The closer to the butt you get the stronger the flavor! 🤢
Why are short people so angry?? Cause their closer to hell
I love going to church to get closer to god, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis
How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Time to go to New York to visit the twin towers.
They’re already getting closer
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?" "This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world.", says Johnny. The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny and says, "Now you know that's not true son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy." Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true. But one drop of this on a cats ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove
ill never forget my grandpas last words you need to park alittle closer
Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge
A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Father awaits the birth of his first child. The obstetrician: "Unfortunately he has no arms". "I'll love it all the same". But the obstetrician adds: "It is also without legs, trunk, head". "I'll love it all the same". Then the obstetrician confessed to him: "I'm sorry, but only this ear was born". "I'll love it all the same". And the obstetrician: "Talk to him closer: he's deaf!".
You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days. But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"
Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's cuz god created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes
10 being in the middle tried to prevent 9/11 from getting closer
Sorry I meant 9 and 11
I was at a football match and the ball was getting closer. Then it hit me *face palm*
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes and every one is trying to shit on ya.
Little Johnny ask a fireman and do you want to see my fire truck so the fireman goes look at it little Johnny Test I got my hat in my fire truck so those fireman says last night's alright but why is it cacti up to you wagging and he look closer and so the string is tied up in knots and he said that nice all right but why is it tied up to his nuts the little Johnny said well that's my son and so he Yank on it
