I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
Why are so many people mean to orphans?
They can’t cry to their parents.
When I'm bored, I like to slap orphans. I mean, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"
I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
Your mum, your dad, The things you never had.
Why is an orphan afraid to play baseball?
They are afraid they won't find home.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
Why do kids like to pick on orphans?
Because they can't call their parents.
What do you call an orphan family? None existent.
Why can't orphans use a phone?
Because they don't have a home screen.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he can't get home.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They told her to go find the light.
Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?
Friend: What?
Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.
When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer...
I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.
Yo, dad went to get milk and still hasn't came back 10 years later!
Orphans are pretty tough. I mean, you never see them running home...
